


Wireless

by ChrisJordyn



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Band Fic, Coming Out, Domestic Fluff, First Love, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Religious Conflict, Road Trips, Tour Bus, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2020-04-23 00:37:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19140076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrisJordyn/pseuds/ChrisJordyn
Summary: Even leans into Isak’s side. He feels so nice. And warm. His hair against his neck. The sound of his breath. It’s heaven. He hasn’t felt this safe in ages.That’s when The Thought pops back into in his mind. The Thought he had managed to cram back into the deepest corner of his memories. Right there it is again. Loud and clear. "What if I’m gay?"Or: The church band 5+1 no one but me asked for, and because I didn't find it, I wrote it. Also they're on tour.





	1. Fredrikstad

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go, tour date number one.  
> I'm going with a different writing style this time to create some sort of real time feeling. Let me know what you think about it. 
> 
> Also, don't be too worried about all the church stuff. I'm gonna keep our favorite characters cool, I promise.

It is 8am on a Saturday morning and Isak is standing in the courtyard of Devotion Church Oslo thinking about absolutely nothing.

Behind him, Jonas, Eva, and the others are loading technical gear and instruments into a yellow trailer.

It is way too freaking early.

 

Fingers in front of his face snap him back to life. “Isak!” It’s Chris. “Are you gonna help or what?”

“Sorry, sorry, zoned out there for a moment.” Isak takes a deep breath and slaps his face lightly with his hands to wake himself up. “What can I do?”

Chris points to the pile of tech gear and boxes the twins are stacking up next to the elevator. The twins. Simon and Kasper. Dedicated, reliable, and awake. Way too awake for 8am on a Saturday. “All of that needs to go into the trailer. Go ask Even. He and the twins seem to have a system.”

“On it.”

Isak puts his tired legs into motion and walks over to the trailer. Even is walking around inside stacking boxes and rearranging things in a real-life-Tetris kind of way.

“Morning, Isak!”

“Morning. Uhm, do you want the gear in a specific order?”

“Yes, boxes and everything that’s kinda cube shaped first, and then everything else. And generally, large items before small ones.”

“Got it.”

 

It is Isak’s first time touring with Wireless. Wireless is one of THE up-and-coming Christian bands in Norway and Isak feels crazy lucky to have gotten in. He had always dreamed of playing with them since they started three years ago, but he simply wasn’t good enough at the time. When Jonas told him they’d like to have him join, Isak jumped at the opportunity.  

Isak and Jonas have known each other forever. They’ve always been at Devotion Church together. From toddler’s to youth group. They even went to Nissen together. Now they are both at students at UiO and still best friends.

Jonas is Wireless’ pianist, and quite frankly, you couldn’t find anyone who does a better job on the keys than he does. Then there is Lucas playing the base and Tobias on the drums. Eva—Jonas’ wife—plays the acoustic guitar and sings. And, finally, Chris is the lead singer and band leader.

Apart from the members on stage, the sound tech guys are just as much part of the band. The twins, Kasper and Simon, are two of the most skilled and hard-working people Isak has ever met. They are always there. Always. Whenever you need them.

And then there is Even. Even is also a sound-tech guy. But kind of more professional. Maybe because he is a few years older than the twins. Anyways, he is not always there. He comes in for the bigger gigs, where they need more people, and for recordings. Since Isak hasn’t been around for that long, he has only met Even a few times so far. And those times he has, they were all so busy that there wasn’t that much time to talk, but he does seem like a genuinely nice guy.

Vilde is there, too. She’ll be moderating the events over the next few weeks. She can be quite annoying, but Isak has known her for a few years now, too, so he appreciates her being around as well.  

 

 

Today is the first day of their tour. _Tour_ being a very loose term here. All of them are students at the moment, so being in Wireless isn’t anyone’s full-time job. That’s why _tour_ in this case means “playing at a different location every weekend for six weeks.” Today, they are playing in Fredrikstad, which is one and a half hours away. That's why they're not staying overnight for this one.

The next weekends are going to be tons of van-time, a bit of sight-seeing, and sleeping in other people’s houses. Except for today, that is, and the last gig, which is going to happen back in Oslo.

It is going to be an exhausting few weeks. Especially because Isak’s degree is demanding. Juggling touring and studying at the same time is quite the task. But totally worth it.

He loves his band. Having his best friend around. Tobias and Lucas being the most hilarious dorks on the planet. Chris with her unquenchable energy. Late nights after rehearsals on the basement couches with junk food. Everything.

 

\----

 

 

“Ok, would everyone who can already hear me please raise their hand?” Isak hears over his earpieces. It’s Even over the talk-back mic from behind the mixing desk.

Isak raises his hand. No one else has their stuff together. Jonas is fumbling around with the cables at the back of his Nord. Eva and Chris are hunched over Chris’ iPad with Vilde. Tobias is still working on setting up the drums, while the twins set up a ton of different mics around him. Lucas is just gone somewhere.

“Great, so only Isak?” Even says into his talk-back mic at the mixing desk.

Isak takes a step forward and hums into his microphone to test the response. “Oh great, I can already hear myself.”

“Yes, I just unmuted you,” Even grins. “We can talk just among ourselves now,” he whispers with a smug expression.

“Huh. You can tell me your innermost secrets then."

Even’s smug smile becomes even cheekier. “Isak?”

“Yeah?”

“You should know…”

“Should know what?”

“I mean… it’s a bit embarrassing, but in my free time, I sometimes… like to …. ride my bike around Oslo in diving gear.”

Isak throws his head back laughing. He loves how he can just talk crap with everyone in this band.

“That is very interesting, Even,” he says, “have you ever tried analyzing this behavior with a therapist?”

“I have, in fact,” says Even, “but she thinks it’s completely normal, would you believe that?”

“I do,” Isak replies. “I prefer a grass skirt and a coconut bra when I do it, though.”

Now Even laughs out loud. Isak feels something move in his stomach at the sight. In a good way. It makes him feel weirdly proud of his lame joke.

The rest of the band turn their heads.

“Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.” Even whispers into his mic. For a moment they just smile at each other.

 

Chris steps towards her mic now. “Even, can you maybe start sound-checking? We’ll be ready by the time you’re done with Isak, I think.”

“Sure,” Even answers, “can I start with the gain on your voice, Isak?”

“Sure.”

“Perfect. Give me the loudest you will sing tonight.”

“Gotcha.” Isak gives him a thumbs up. “A capella?”

“Would be best, if you don’t mind.”

Isak starts singing:

 _“Nothing and no one comes_  
_Anywhere close to You._  
_The earth and oceans deep_  
_Only reflect this truth._

 _And in my darkest night_  
_You shine as bright as day._  
_Your love amazes me.”_

“Perfect! Thanks Isak.” Even gives him a huge smile. “I'm gonna EQ you later while you play. Did you hear yourself alright?” Even adds.

“Yeah, thanks. A bit quiet for later probably, but I’m gonna do my mix over my phone later anyways,” Isak replies. “Do you want my guitar now?”

 

 

It’s Isak’s first time really doing a sound-check with Even. The last times Even was there, the twins did the gain and the monitor mixes and Even later EQed them during their run-throughs.

So this is actually pretty nice. Even is a pleasure to work with, easy going and laid back, while he knows what he’s doing at the same time.

Even the twins watch him in admiration.

 

 

\----

 

 

Isak steps into the van with dark circles under his eyes. It's been a long day. He settles behind the driver’s seat and leans into the window. Even and Kasper come in last and Even, being the forthcoming person he is, gives Kasper the only remaining window seat and settles into the middle seat next to Isak.

 

“You were really good tonight, Isak,” Even whispers a few minutes into driving. “I think they made the right choice when they gave you Daniel’s spot last year.”

Isak turns his head in surprise. “Really?”

“Really.”

“I felt so insecure, especially at the beginning. There had to have been like 700 people there tonight.”

Even lets out a small laugh. “Fredrikstad is the smallest location of the tour. But you’ll be fine.” He gives Isak a reassuring smile.

“Did you hear my voice break in _Resurrecting_ , though? I’ve had quite a few embarrassing moments today. Messing up riffs, screwing up set-ups, killing high notes…”

“Isak, that’s not embarrassing. You’re not a CD... Just be you. We’re all imperfect. Don’t forget that.”

Isak swallows hard.

“I mean, isn’t that part of our message? God loves everyone, no matter our flaws, no matter where we come from, and so on? So, if we put a bunch of people on stage who seem absolutely flawless, we’ll send a message that is totally off the mark. We need to be real and down to earth and you’re so vulnerable and pure up there, I wouldn’t change anything about you.”

“Seconded.” Jonas says from behind him.

“Yep, you were awesome, Is,” Tobias throws in, squeezing Isak’s shoulder, “and we love you.”

“Thanks guys.” Isak blushes a bit.

He loves his band. They are the best.

He leans back against the window and looks at Even.

“Hey Is,” he then says, “can I rest my head on your shoulder? I would like to try and sleep a bit.”

“Sure.”

Even leans into Isak’s side. He feels so nice. And warm. His hair against his neck. The sound of his breath. It’s heaven. He hasn’t felt this safe in ages.

 

That’s when The Thought pops back into in Isak’s mind. The Thought he had managed to cram back into the deepest corner of his memories. Right there it is again. Loud and clear. _What if I’m gay?_

 

The Thought has come up before, of course. There was that time where he wondered whether he liked Jonas a bit too much. And there is his tendency to ship the gay couples on TV shows for some reason.

He’s always pushed The Thought away. But there it is again.

 _This is bad,_ Isak thinks. _Am I gay?_

_Shit._

Isak’s thoughts start to spiral. It would explain so much. How every time Even smiled at him today, something shifted inside of him. How the touch of Even’s side against his tingles like crazy. How he never had any desire to take his relationship with Emma to the next level last year, until she ended it after a few months.

It’s quite ironic how he feels comfortable and safe with Even nuzzled against his side, but at the same time completely freaked out by it.

His plans to sleep on the van are discarded from one moment to the next.

 

Back in Oslo, when Isak crawls into his bed in the flat he shares with Sana and Noora, he is still thinking at the speed of light. He doesn’t sleep for a minute that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is week 1.  
> Let me know what you think in the comments.  
> Songs mentioned:  
> You are good - Hillsong United  
> Resurrecting - Elevation Worship


	2. Stavanger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toothpaste and hoodies.

## Friday, June 14th

 

Isak hasn’t slept much since last week’s concert and it’s visible.

He’s a mess. He’s spent all week thinking about The Thought. And Even. His smile and his hair and how cute he looks when he’s concentrated. And, being head of the tech team, he’s concentrated a lot, by the way. All the time. It’s almost irritating.

More than once he’s asked himself how and if he’s going to make it through the entire tour. He is just going to have to push through.

 

 

 

When everyone is in the van, ready to go, Chris turns around in the driver’s seat wearing her let’s-get-stuff-done-face:

“Alrighty, guys. We have five host families in each location we go to, so we’ll split up into pairs of two for the nights. It’s probably easiest if we keep the same pairs for all four weekends. I hope you’re ok with that. So… I assume, Jonas and Eva, you want to stay together?”

Jonas and Eva look at each other shyly. They’ve only been married since April, so nobody’s gonna tear those two apart.

“I guessed as much,” Chris continues. “Ok, then Vilde and I are going to make a girls team and you guys decide amongst yourselves.”

Tobias and Lucas are practically inseparable, so of course they are rooming. And the twins are pretty much morphed into one person at this point, so it’s pretty clear how this will go.

Even looks over at Isak, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Team Evak?”

“Evak? Really? Sounds like some pompous shit out of an old lady’s magazine… Did you just make that up?”

Even laughs. “I’m a creative person, I guess?”

“Sorry to break it to you, Even, but your creativity is broken.”

“Ouch!” Even dramatically holds his chest. “You just broke my heart. Good that you now have four weeks of sleepover-weekends with me to pick up the pieces.”

“If you’re gonna be that dramatic, I might go and beg Kasper to switch places with me.”

“Hey,” Kasper exclaims, “why do I get the drama queen?”

“You’ve got the thickest skin,” Isak replies. “Simon’s ex-girlfriend called you an emotional refrigerator once. That must count for something.”

Kasper pouts, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Don’t worry,” Even assures Kasper. “I’ll make sure to treat Isak the best I can, so you and Simon can stay attached to the hip.”

“Oh, are you now?” Isak raises his eyebrows.

“Just you wait. You’ll be my number one worshipper when the tour is over.”

“That’s blasphemous, Even,” jokes Jonas.

The band laugh.

It’s gonna be an interesting weekend.

Why does Even have to be that damn adorable?

 

 

The journey to Stavanger takes almost ten hours, including breaks and traffic. At the beginning, the entire band sing along to songs on the radio or to whatever Eva puts on.

They have a fantastic time and Isak manages to forget The Thought for a short while. Later, he even manages to get some sleep.

 

 

 

\----

 

 

 

Isak and Even are blowing up their air-mattresses in their guest family’s living room. The family are nice. A married couple with two blond twin girls. They even warmed up dinner for them. Even eagerly made conversation with the entire family and told them about the band and the tour. Quite impressing how one could still be wanting to talk and joke around like that after spending ten hours in a car. Isak lets Even take most of their questions and thanks God when they finally leave them in the living room to get ready for bed.

 

 

After unrolling his sleeping bag, Isak takes his shirt and jeans off and slips into a pair of sweatpants. Then, he unpacks his sponge bag and heads for the guest bathroom.

 

He’s brushing his teeth when Even comes in behind him, also shirtless. Maybe he should have kept his own shirt on, then Even might have done the same.

He sets up his stuff behind Isak, pulls out his toothbrush and puts an enormous amount of toothpaste on it. It almost falls off.

“What?” Even grins at him.

Isak shifts his eyes from the dangerously instable mountain of toothpaste to Even’s confused face in the mirror.

“Do you always use that much?” he muffles into his toothbrush.

“Yeah?! Don’t you?” Even asks incredulously. His eyebrows are raised and he has this playful expression in his face. He’s just cute. No way to deny it.

“Nei?”

“I mean, you want it to work, right?”

Isak laughs. “It works in small amounts, too, you know?”

“Does it now?” Even is still wearing the same playful expression. “And you know that because you happen to be the master of chemistry?”

“I study biochemistry. So, in about four to five years I will actually have a literal master’s degree in biochemistry.”

Isak cleans out his mouth under the tap.

Even’s face falls. “You’re kidding.”

“I’m not kidding.”

Even looks at him for a few seconds. Then he returns to smiling cheekily.

“Wow, so you’re, like, really smart?” he says in an ironic voice.

Isak doesn’t know what to say to that. He shrugs shyly and puts his toothbrush back into his sponge bag, watching the other boy in the mirror.

“So, if you’re really smart, do you know how to wipe something off from between your shoulder blades?” And with that, Even dips his finger into the toothpaste on his toothbrush and wipes it on Isak’s spine right at that spot you can never quite reach.

“Drittsekk!” Isak rolls his eyes. “Are you serious?”

Even beams like a child on Christmas.

“Oh, I’m not just going to take that!” Isak takes his toothpaste and turns around. “You asked for a fight, you’ll get a fight!”

“You do realize, I’ve got quite a bit of ammunition, don’t you?” Even says, pointing at his still loaded toothbrush.

Isak opens the cap of his own toothpaste and presses some onto his finger. “Oh, it’s on.”

 

First, they just stand in front of each other, trying to deke the other out with sudden movements. Then, Isak shoots forward and taps his toothpaste-coated finger on Even’s arm, ducking away from his loaded toothbrush in the process.

“You’re good,” Even acknowledges, laughing.

“You stand no chance. I’m the master of toothpaste fights,” Isak grins back.

Now, Even lunges forward and Isak pulls away too late, so Even smears his toothbrush all over Isak’s cheek.

He wipes his cheek with his finger and goes for Even’s face in return.

The older boy then turns around on his heel and bolts out of the bathroom. Isak chases after him.

They circle around the couch a few times, skipping the air mattresses like hurdles, until Isak catches up and the whole thing turns into a childish wrestling match. He even straddles Even on the couch one time. It’s weirdly domestic and his stomach feels tingly, as if filled with butterflies. 

 

 

 

Isak still feels bubbly and extraordinarily happy. Both of them are covered in toothpaste marks. They are back in the bathroom now, cleaning themselves off with wet wipes. There is a strangely content silence between them.

It’s weird. Usually, Isak has to know someone really well to have that. It’s just so easy with Even.

“Hey, turn around,” Even says quietly.

“Is this another…”

“No, chill out. I just want to help you.” He points at the speck on Isak’s back.

Isak turns around to let him take off the toothpaste. Even softly rests one hand on his shoulder while the other tenderly wipes off the speck. It feels intimate and warm and Isak has to turn away quickly to hide his goosebumps.

 

 

 

“You know, back there in the bathroom, I realized how little I actually know about you.” Even whispers, as they lie on their mattresses a few minutes later. “I didn’t even know what you study.”

“Hm,” Isak hums, “but it’s the same for me. What do you study? I have no idea. Do you even study?”

“Media sciences.”

“Seems fitting.”

“Yeah. I do a lot of short film directing at the moment. But I like working with light and sound and I’m a camera nerd as well, so I’m pretty much all over the place.”

“Impressive,” Isak smiles. “I’m so uncreative.”

“Are you kidding? You’re so good on the guitar. Doesn’t that count as creativity?”

“I don’t know, it’s more like a skill that you learn and then use, isn’t it?”

“I mean, of course you learn it, but you also improvise most of your riffs and stuff, so that’s basically composing. And the last time I checked, composing fell into the creative arts.”

“Huh, I suppose I’m a serious, kick-ass composer then.”

Even huffed out a laugh. “Just take it, Isak. You don’t always have to weaken the compliments you get.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

 

 

“Isak?”

“Hm?”

“I’m glad we’re rooming together.”

“You are?”

“I am.”

“Me too.”

 

It takes Isak ages to fall asleep.

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

## Saturday, June 15th

 

_“You make me brave,_

_You make me brave._

_You call me out beyond the shore unto the waves.”_

 

They’re doing last minute run-throughs and Isak is obsessing over his sound-mixer app while Chris sings her soul out. Everything sounds like a giant mush in his ears. He is tired and frustrated.

When he looks up from his phone, he sees Even watching him.

“Are you unhappy with your mix?” Even says into the talk-back.

Isak nods.

“Let me look into it.”

He puts his phone away and starts playing along with the band again.

Even pulls out his head-phones and starts pushing around regulators on the desk, tongue poking out the side of his mouth.

He looks so good just doing that. The coiffed-up hair and soft-looking cheeks. It really doesn’t help that Isak has now seen him shirtless either. And touched him. Straddled him on the couch while wrestling. His mind keeps going back to last night.

 Then, the sound on Isak’s in-ears clarifies. He can now hear himself more clearly and the voices sound less tortured.

He calms down.

Just for a moment, everything is fine.

 

 

“So, Even, you’re basically a genie, is that it?” Isak says into his mic after the song is over.

“Is it better?”

“So much better! Thank you!”

Even throws him a big, fond, gorgeous grin.

Isak blushes and gives him a pressed smile back. _This guy is going to be the death of me_.

“What about everyone else?” Even then adds. “Anything you’d like me to change about your in-ear mixes?”

“I can’t really hear Isak’s guitar,” Jonas says.

“Oh, that is bad,” Even replies. “Let me fix that for you. His sounds are way too good for you to not hear them.” He gives Isak an obvious wink.

“Oohh, it’s happening guys,” Lucas exclaims. “He’s wooing him.”

“You should have seen us last night. Things got pretty hot there for a moment,” Even laughs.

Chris raises her eyebrows. “You know you’re not supposed to say your gay fantasies out loud, right Ev? Please spare us the details.”

“You jealous, Chris?”

“Oh, you wish.”

“Also, don’t pretend you’re not a big gay yourself. You’re even wearing flannel. You’re not fooling anyone here.”

The band laugh while the twins give Even fist bumps.

 

It’s pretty obvious that Even was making a joke, but Isak can’t help but feel embarrassed and sick. Whatever he felt last night definitely isn’t what Even felt. The tension between them was all in his head. He really shouldn’t be surprised about that at all.

And on top of that, the band apparently think making gay jokes is a chill thing to do, so there’s that.

There’s no way he can be gay in this band.

 _I better get over this quickly_.

 

 

 

 

\----

 

 

 

 

Back at their sleeping quarters, he doesn’t really feel like talking to Even. Even is still unbearably nice and forthcoming and tries to make conversation, but Isak can’t take it.

He still has this heaviness in his stomach from hearing Even and the band make their jokes and he just wants to leave and go home.

He does his best to cut Even off subtly by giving short answers and pretending to be really tired.

He is actually tired, but he knows he won’t be able to sleep either way.

 

 

“Are you sure you’re okay,” Even whispers as he settles on his mattress.

“Yeah, of course. I just really need to sleep.”

“You didn’t sleep well last night, did you?”

“Nah, not really.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

“It’s ok.”

“I hope you sleep better tonight.”

“Yeah.”

 

 

 

“Isak?”

“Hm?”

“I’m sorry about the thing I said about things getting hot between us. I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“It’s ok.”

It’s really not.

 

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

## Sunday, June 16th

 

“Issy, you look like a zombie,” Jonas observes as he settles next to Isak in the van. “Are you not sleeping again?”

Isak lets his head fall back against the headrest. “I don’t know. I have trouble falling asleep, I guess.”

“What’s the matter? Something with your mom?”

“No, she’s fine. I’m just stressed.”

“Stressed how?”

“I don’t know. I guess, I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Hm… Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nah, not really. Maybe another time.”

Jonas looks at him carefully for a few moments.

“Okay, but know that I’m there if you change your mind.”

“Okay.”

 

 

 

Isak is so tired. The van would be perfect to catch up on sleep, he just can’t find a good position.

He leans against the window and closes his eyes. It’s incredibly uncomfortable.

He sits back up to pull up his hood and leans back against the headrest. It doesn’t work either.

This is the worst.

When he shifts to rest on his arm against the window again, Even leans in from behind him.

“Isak,” he whispers.

Isak turns around.

“Do you want to use my hoodie as a pillow? Maybe it’s more comfortable if you put something between your head and the window.”

With that Even drops a hoodie over the edge of the seat.

“I’m gonna give it a try, thank you.”

The hoodie smells of Even. Immediately, Isak is thrown back to their toothpaste fight on Friday.

And for the first time in over a week, he falls asleep within minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for the week. I've been incredibly insecure about this chapter all week, so I'm really interested in how you find it. So please leave comments and talk to me :)
> 
> Dm me on tumblr if you like, too. I love meeting other people in this wonderful fandom. (chris-jordyn)
> 
>  
> 
> Songs mentioned:  
> You Make Me Brave - Bethel Music


	3. Kristiansand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pride-shirts, emotional break-throughs and late-night talks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this escalated a bit, but I had a lot to say.  
> Enjoy the ride :)

## Friday, June 21st

 

It’s Friday morning and Isak shuffles out of his room towards the fridge with giant bags under his eyes.

“Good morning, Isabel,” Sana greets him absent-mindedly from the kitchen table, where she’s working on her laptop assiduously. Isak is never going to understand morning people.

“Good morning, Sanasol,” he mumbles back.

“Back on tour today?”

“Hm. Kristiansand this time.”

“Norwegian bible-belt, huh?”

“Yep. Biggest one of the tour.”

 

“You look tired, Isabel.”

Of course she notices. It’s Sana. She knows everything. If she told him her hijab gave her psychic powers, he’d probably believe her.

“Yeah, I’ve been working late on a paper,” Isak lies.

“Oh, don’t lie to me, Isak.”

_Shit._

“You’ve been tired for two weeks now. What is going on?”

“Ugh, I don’t know. I guess, it’s been a bit much lately.”

“Huh.”

The thing is, he really does need to sort his shit out. At the same time tough, telling people how confused he is about the fact that he might be gay is unbelievably terrifying. So that’s not going to happen soon.

He prepares himself some cereal and settles at the kitchen table.

 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something, actually.”

“Huh?” Sana hums distractedly.

“Uhm, last week with the band, a topic came up that I found kind of interesting and, I guess, I was wondering what your religion thought about homosexuality.” _Subtle, Isak, real subtle…_ Isak cringes at his own words.

Sana looks up at him with an unreadable expression. “Well, what do you think about it?”

“I don’t know, to be honest,” Isak says, exasperated. “There are some passages in the Bible that are pretty harsh and a lot of Christians are really strongly against it. But I feel like that kind of attitude doesn’t really fit God’s character as I’ve always understood it. Do you know what I mean?”

Sana nods knowingly.

“Also, I don’t know if I want to believe in a God who excludes gay people, you know? If he actually hates all these people, who did not even choose to feel the way they feel, I don’t know if I can stand behind that. Or, if it fits how we always say that God is good all the time.”

At that, Sana closes her laptop and looks into Isak’s exhausted face.

“Do you remember the people how lived here with Noora before we moved in?”

“Eh, yeah, Lynn and Eksild?”

“Eskild.”

“Yeah, what about them?”

“The guy, Eskild, he’s gay. When I first met him, I started to wonder about the same thing. At the beginning, I might have been a little prejudiced, I guess, because I had never met anyone who was gay, so I approached it way too thoughtlessly. Like, gay people can’t reproduce, so it doesn’t make sense anyways and stuff.”

“And now you think differently?”

“Yeah,” Sana smiles, “I’m convinced that Allah loves everyone. And the Quran says that everyone is of the same worth and that no man should be slandered, ridiculed, or judged. I’m pretty sure the Bible has those commands, too, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, I mean, it does. Actually, in one passage, Jesus says that one of the two commands that are more important than any other is to love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

“See? There’s your answer,” Sana says with a satisfied smile.

Isak is still not really convinced. He has heard the standard Christian response to this a million times. “Well, I agree. That is most important, but can’t you love someone and not judge them, but at the same time not agree with them?”

“I think, in this case, there is nothing to agree or disagree on, though. You’re either gay or you’re not. It’s not an opinion. And we both believe in a God that, we believe, created everyone with intention. So why would he do that just to have them torture themselves into leading a ‘straight’ life, you know?”

“Hm,” Isak hums, still in thought. “That actually does make sense.”

“I know,” Sana grins, “I’m really smart and everyone should listen to me always.”

Isak breaks into a small grin. “In this case I agree,” he says, picking up his empty bowl to put it in the dish washer. “Thank you, Sanasol!”

He sees himself off to his room to pack his bag, feeling a little lighter already.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

The drive to Kristiansand takes no more than four hours.

They arrive early and, since there is nothing to do, they decide to go down to the beach. They get their swimming gear out of their bags and jump into the waves.

The sun is out and it must be one of the warmest days of the year. They play with a ball for a while and later they take turns sitting on each other’s shoulders for wrestling matches.

It’s weird how the laughter and banter with his friends can make Isak forget all the confusion that has been sucking the life out of him all week.

It’s one of those moments you never want to end, especially if reality awaits you with confusion and exhaustion.

 

 

 

It’s late but the sun is still up. They are all sitting on blankets on the beach looking out on the ocean. The atmosphere is peaceful and Isak can’t help but feel at home with these people. The sunlight dances on the waves crashing against the shore and for a while no one says anything.  

 

“So, Even,” Chris breaks the silence, “what shirt are you gonna wear tomorrow night?”

“Hm,” Even smiles, “I brought the one with the rainbow pride flag that says ‘God loves his LGBT kids.’”

_What?_

Isak feels like he’s been stabbed. Why do they keep addressing his monster?

“Not the pan one we gave you for your birthday?” Kasper throws in. “I must say, I’m a little disappointed.”

“Nah, sorry guys. That shirt’s freaking amazing, but I wanted to make a statement. From the colors alone, no one would have gotten the message. Most people wouldn’t even recognize it as a pride flag, you know?”

“Makes sense,” Chris says. “I brought my ‘Oh deer, I’m queer’ one. The one with the rainbow deer.”

“Oh, that one’s so pretty,” Vilde throws in.

Isak narrows his eyebrows in confusion, trying to comprehend. “Is there a story behind the shirt thing?”

“Yes, oh my gosh, the story,” Chris bubbles out excitedly. “You’re gonna like this one.”

“Ok?”

_Please tell me they’re not taking the piss out of gay people again._

Isak is massively uncomfortable.

“So, the first time we played in Kristiansand, like, three years ago, we played at a different church where they had booked this guy to speak at the event, and in the middle of the sermon he just started bashing gay people and said stuff like, those who supported the ‘gay agenda’ weren’t really Christians and stuff. So Even just muted him in the middle of speaking and let the guy believe his mic was broken for a few minutes and then went up to him and took his time to exchange the batteries, which were perfectly fine, of course. And then he told him he had to wrap it up now, because if we dragged out the gig for too long, we’d get a noise complaint from the neighbors.”

“It was so savage,” Jonas laughs and holds out his fist for Even to bump.

“I mean,” Chris continues, “it’s kinda messed up, because when you’re a guest in a church and they let you use all their stuff and facilities and organize everything for you, you wanna be grateful. But at the same time that was such a messed up thing to say.”

“Also, we clarified the whole thing,” Eva adds. “After the sermon, Chris said something about how we think God made everyone the way he did for a reason, and that we might have a different stance on the topic. And Even had a talk with the speaker after, but the guy was a jerk, frankly, so we just don’t play at that church anymore.”

“Huh,” Isak hums. “So, the shirts are for the case anyone from that church comes to our gig?”

“I mean, that too, I guess,” Even explains, “but, the thing is, the region around Kristiansand is incredibly conservative compared to the rest of Norway. I just want LGBT kids who grow up here to know they are not alone and that it’s ok. And also, since I’ve started wearing them here, a total of five teens have come up to me after concerts to talk to me about coming out and stuff, so that’s freaking amazing, right?”

“Right…” Isak says. His mind is still running idle. “I… I’m kinda surprised you’re so passionate about the topic.” He lets out a nervous laugh.

“Yeah,” Chris replies, “I mean, I’m bisexual and Even’s pan, so…”

Isak takes a few seconds to respond. “Oh. You are?” He’s just entirely dumbstruck.

“I swear to God, Isak, if you’re gonna be a dick about this…” Jonas begins.

“What? No, that’s not what…, I’m just surprised. I just,” Isak stutters, “I guess, last week, when you made the gay jokes, I don’t know, I just assumed you were kinda…”

“…homophobic?” Jonas finishes the sentence.

“I don’t know,” Isak blurts out, holding his hands up in defense, “lots of people at church say weird stuff about gay people and make fun of them and stuff all the time. It’s not that far-fetched.”

He just wants to bury himself in the sand now. This turned out so differently than he thought it would. The jokes that set his mind off running last week actually made sense when you knew about Chris’ and Even’s sexual orientation. He feels unbelievably stupid.

“You’re right,” Jonas admits. “It’s not that far-fetched. But, if you thought we were being homophobic, why didn’t you say something?”

 _Because I thought you’d hate me?_ Isak thinks to himself. But he can’t say that without outing himself.

“I don’t know,” he says instead. “I guess, I didn’t want to pick a fight. You all seemed genuinely amused and in on it.”

“Some things are worth fighting for,” Eva then says. “Even when you’re alone against nine other people.”

“True,” Chris says.

“Okay, next time I’ll use my guitar to beat you all up,” he jokes. Everyone laughs and the conversation moves on as if it never happened.

 

 

 

\---

 

 

 

Isak is lying on a pull-out sofa in someone’s guest room. An arm’s length away Even breathes evenly in his sleep.

The conversation from before has left him with a taut feeling in his chest. He pretty much just assumed the band would have a completely different stance. Sure, he hasn’t actually heard any of them ever say anything that would suggest that, but growing up in church and hearing homophobic statements from time to time basically comes as a package deal.

He knows that Devotion Church Oslo is one of the more open-minded churches around. However, once in a while, he does pick up older people talking about gay marriage and transgender issues in a way where they discuss the validity of other people without even blinking.

It’s just this aftertaste these discussions leave behind. How do “we, as Christians” deal with “them, the homosexuals?” It makes him feel different. On the outside. Like being gay and religious at the same time was somehow incompatible.

So, maybe it isn’t that far-fetched that Isak thought his band to not be ok with his homosexuality.

But maybe, just maybe, it would be ok if he were gay?

It would still be such a big deal to everyone, though.

 _Maybe I’m imagining this anyways,_ Isak thinks.

He doesn’t fall asleep before the sun starts coming back up.

 

 

 

## Saturday, June 22nd

 

Isak wakes up to Even slightly kicking him while brushing his teeth. He’s already showered and fully dressed. He’s wearing a white shirt with a rainbow flag and writing on it, just like he announced yesterday.

“Finally,” he mumbles into his toothbrush, laughing. “I’ve been trying to wake you up for ages now. You are such a deep sleeper.”

“Yeah, but I just slept for a maximum of three hours, so…”

“Oh. That’s shit.” Even looks concerned now.

“Yep,” Isak grumbles, “welcome to my life.”

And with that he gets up to take a shower.

Three hours of sleep might be this week’s record. He still feels like crap, though. Yesterday’s conversation is still spinning inside of his head and doesn’t want to let him go.

He didn’t talk to Even much last night, but just watching him sleep made his thoughts spiral.

Isak likes girls. They’re pretty. And he likes being friends with them. Spending time with them. His relationship with Emma was okay, too. She was nice and they had a good time. But nothing from that relationship had ever made him feel what he now feels when spends time with Even. Or when he looks at him while he sleeps, chest rising and falling, cheeks flushed, making sweet noises.

So, he’s definitely not straight.

Great.

This might take some time to process.

 

 

 

\------

 

 

 

The concert is almost over. The speaker has just left the stage and they are playing a toned down intro to the last song. Isak is supposed to lead sing this one, so he closes his eyes to concentrate and get into it.

It’s been going well so far but Isak is just exhausted and tired at this point. It doesn’t help that his eyes keep going back to Even behind the mixing desk.

“We will get to our last song for today now,” Chris addresses the crowd over the music, “and what I want you to remember as you sing along, is that you are valid and loved the way you are. Every one of you!”

She speaks slowly and pauses between sentences to let her words sink in. Jonas gives her words just the perfect atmosphere by laying simple chords underneath.

“You may think you are different, or that you don’t fit in with everybody else,” Chris continues, “or maybe you think that, if you were true to yourself, people wouldn’t like you anymore. I know, because I’m familiar with the feeling. But I want you to know that you are good the way you are. There is no use in trying to be someone else. In Psalm 139:14 it says: ‘I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.’ I would like you to let that sink in as we go into the next song.”

Chris’ words hit Isak like a truck. Even if he has started to realize that his band and closest friends, and maybe even God, would probably tolerate him being gay, that was all he has ever allowed himself to hope for. Being “tolerated.” But the reality might be so much better than that. He can be more than just “tolerated.” He can also be loved and valid as the person he is. Not loved despite of being gay. But loved as the whole person who is gay.

His mind is still blown when he realizes that the intro is still playing and he is supposed to sing.

He breathes in and out and then begins the song:

 _“There was one when I was young_  
_Who knew my heart,_  
_He knew my sorrow._  
_He held my hand_  
_And He led me to trust Him._

 _Now I am hidden_  
_In the safety of Your love._  
_I trust Your heart and Your intentions._  
_Trust You completely,_  
_I'm listening intently,_  
_You'll guide me through these many shadows._

 _As I grow_  
_And as I change,_  
_May I love You more deeply._  
_I will lean upon Your grace,_  
_I will weep because Your goodness is unending._

 _Now I am hidden_  
_In the safety of Your love._  
_I trust Your heart and Your intentions._  
_Trust You completely,_  
_I'm listening intently,_  
_You'll guide me through these many shadows."_

By the end of the song, Isak is full on crying. He doesn’t even care to hold it back. He doesn’t even care that his voice is a mess when he’s crying. He just lets it all out.

He just feels relieved. And warm. And, for the first time in three weeks, somewhat comfortable with himself.

 

When the song is over and Isak leaves the stage, Eva and Jonas find him immediately. They must have seen him falling to pieces because they pull him to the side and wrap him in a bone crushing hug. They don’t say anything and Isak just bawls, releasing the pressure of a lifetime. Eva strokes the back of his head and Jonas has his hand on his back and for the first time in what feels like forever he knows that everything is going to be okay.

 

 

 

\------

 

 

 

When he lies on the pull-out sofa that night, Isak feels content. Like he’s achieved something today. A huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. The lights are off but the almost full moon shines in through the window and he can see almost everything.

“You look different,” Even says as he lies down next to him.

“Different how?”

“I don’t know. Happier.”

“Hm,” Isak makes. “I guess, I learned a few things tonight.”

Even turns to lie on his side, facing Isak. “What did you learn?”

“To love myself,” Isak says, blushing. “I know it sounds cheesy.” He laughs and looks at Even.

“Doesn’t sound cheesy,” Even replies, “sounds amazing. And from what I saw from behind my desk, that must have been one heck of a breakthrough.” His fond smile looks even better in the moonlight. He looks so good it makes Isak’s insides turn.

They speak quietly. Almost as if they were afraid of being overheard.

He turns to his side now, too. “May I ask you something personal?”

“Of course,” Even grins.

“What was coming out like for you? I mean, with church and everything.”

“Hm. Okay, I guess.” Even pauses for a moment, thinking. “I mean, I was lucky because all of my friends and family were really cool about it. That’s nothing I take for granted, so I’m really grateful. But at church I obviously did get some shit. Mostly from old people who were saying that it was okay as long as I only dated women and stuff. But the pastors at my church are very adamant about welcoming LGBT+ people with open arms.”

“Hm, that doesn’t sound too bad.”

“Yeah, it’s really good to see that things are getting better. Took the church long enough, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Why do you ask anyways?”

Isak blushes. Thank God it’s dark. “Ehm,” he stutters, “I think I might have to do that too at some point.”

“Do what?”

“Come out.” He’s almost whispering now. “I just want to know what awaits me.”

“Hm,” Even hums, “it’s gonna be alright. Your church is pretty cool about it from what I heard from Chris. And we’re here, too. And you can take all the time you need.”

“You’re not surprised?”

“I mean, last week when Chris and I were joking around, Chris’ comment about my gay fantasies basically disassembled you on stage, so yeah… Did you expect me to be surprised?”

“I don’t even know,” Isak laughs nervously.

Even lets out a small laugh. “Okay. Am I the first person you told?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you for trusting me!”

He doesn’t know what to say to that.

“Can I give you a hug?” Even then asks.

“How?” Isak laughs. “We’re lying down.”

“So? Just scoot over.”

Even stretches his arm out under his blanket and it’s just too tempting, so Isak pushes away the weirdness he feels and lets the older boy wrap him in his arms.

The embrace is warm and fond. Even is one of those people you can just melt into.

Isak had completely forgotten how tired he was. And now, breathing in Even’s scent, having Even’s hand on his back, his tiredness crashes over him like a wave. And before he can fight it he’s already drifted off to sleep.

 

 

 

 

## Sunday, June 23rd

 

When Isak wakes up, he feels more comfortable than he has ever felt in his life. He’s warm and cozy and unusually well rested.

He’s on the verge of falling back asleep when he realizes where he is. And who he’s almost lying on top of.

He’s basically half nuzzled into Even’s side, one leg and arm on top of him, while Even’s arm is wrapped around him from underneath. Which means, if he moves, Even will wake up. But he can’t stay like this, can he?

Isak tries to carefully lift his limbs off Even’s body.

“Hey, where are you going?”

Isak looks up. “You’re awake?”

“Now I am.”

“Sorry… I just wanted to give you some space,” he giggles, blushing.

“I don’t want space. You’re comfortable,” Even complains. “Stay here.”

“Okay.”

Never in a million years had Isak thought he’d find himself in this kind of situation. This is unlike anything he’s ever experienced. He melts back into Even’s torso, completely giving in to the urge to be near him. He lets himself feel Even’s body rising and falling underneath him, lets himself breathe in his scent.

 

And just as he starts drifting off again, his alarm clock goes off.

“Ugh,” Even makes, “can’t we just stay here?”

“We could,” Isak replies, “but then the others would leave without us and that would be kind of bad, wouldn’t it.”

Even grunts and shuffles underneath him. “Fine. I’ll shower first.” And with that, Even presses a kiss into Isak’s hair, turns around to grab his towel, and walks off to the bathroom without looking back.

Mouth agape, Isak stares after him, wondering if he just imagined the whole thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I put a lot of my own heart into this chapter. I'm really anxious to know what you think. So, leave me some comments and talk to me. :)
> 
>  
> 
> Songs mentioned:  
> Hidden - United Pursuit


	4. Bergen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry I'm a few days late. My mental health has been a bitch lately, I hope you understand.  
> Thank you for all your lovely comments and kudos so far. You've really been so encouraging! <3

 

## Friday, June 28th

Isak still hasn’t heard back from Even when he approaches the yellow tour bus on Friday morning.

On Monday, he didn’t think much of it. Maybe Even was in class, or working on a project. After all, not everybody is on their phone all the time. On Wednesday, he started to worry that his _“Hey, it was cool talking to you on Sat. Do you wanna hang out some time this week?”_ had been a bit too eager, so he added a pseudo-casual _“No worries if you’re busy though, just wanted to say thanks, I guess. See you on Friday?”_

He regretted it as soon as he sent it.

Even didn’t respond to that one either. Still hasn’t.

 

The church courtyard is busy. The twins are bossing everyone around from inside the trailer. The only one who isn’t there is Even. Maybe he is sick?

 

 

 

“When’s Even coming?” Vilde blurts out as everyone is seated in the bus, ready for take-off.

 _Thank God, I don’t have to ask for myself_ , Isak thinks, embarrassed by how emotionally involved he is.

Chris turns around in the driver’s seat. “He’s joining us in Bergen, he’s still somewhere on the road with his friends.”

Well, at least that’s something. Doesn’t explain his not answering, though. But Isak doesn’t dare to ask further questions. So he doesn’t.

 

He doesn’t talk much during the ride and spends most of his time staring out of the window. The view is quite beautiful since they're driving through the countryside in the middle of nowhere, but he can’t bring himself to enjoy it. He’ll still have to bunk with Even tonight and he’s not sure if he can handle the awkwardness of spending two nights alone in a room with someone who’s been ghosting him for an entire week.

 

 

\-----

 

 

Four hours into the ride, Chris steers the bus into the parking lot of the Geilo rest stop. It’s mostly a gas and service station but down the side road is a fast-food restaurant behind which you can see over an extension of a fjord-lake from a platform. It’s a gorgeous sight.

Most of the guys retreat into the service station as soon as they get out of the car.

Isak hangs back and pulls out his phone. Still nothing. Just a text from his mom. _Safe trip this weekend. Do you think you could come around for dinner some time next week? Love you, God bless!_

“Hey, Is.”

His head shoots up. He was so focused on his phone that he didn’t even notice Jonas standing right in front of him.

“Do you wanna get kebab and go over to the platform?”

Isak puts his phone away quickly and pulls up a smile.

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

 

 

 

 

They eat in silence, seated on a rock, looking out over the lake, mountains rising up behind it. It’s one of those sceneries that makes you feel like the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

“So…,” Jonas starts, “what’s up with you?”

Isak stops breathing for a moment.

“Huh?” he finally lets out.

“I mean, over the last weeks you haven't really been sleeping and I thought you were just stressed, but today you’re super pissed and kind of nervous, I guess?” Jonas pokes around in his kebab with his plastic fork, while Isak doesn’t say anything.

“The thing is, I really don’t wanna push you, so if you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s fine. I mean, even if you break down on stage every week from now on, that’s okay, too. I’ll always be there. I just want you to know that, if you do want to talk about it at some point, I’ll be there.”

He looks at Isak, scrutinizing his face. Jonas is just the best friend Isak could ask for. “I know I’ve been spending way more time with Eva recently, but I really hope that doesn’t change anything between us. You can still come to me with whatever stuff you have, okay?”

“Okay.”

He looks away awkwardly and takes in the sight of the fjord. It shouldn’t be this hard, should it?

“Uhm…,” he begins, feeling the wind moving his curls, “it’s about someone I like, actually.”

“Huh,” Jonas makes, surprised, “who is it?”

“Can you guess?”

“Ugh, I hate guessing.”

“Try.”

“Is it Emma?”

“What? That’s been over for almost a year now.”

“Yeah, what do I know? Can’t you just tell me?”

“I’ll give you a hint.”

“A hint…”

“It’s not a girl.”

Jonas pauses eating at that and looks at Isak. “Is it Even?”

“Yeah.” Isak looks to the ground and presses his lips together.

“What’s going on there then?”

Isak lets out a sigh of exhaustion. “I don’t even know. I thought there was something but then he’s just been off the grid all week and hasn’t replied to any of my texts, so I guess it’s all been in my head or something.”

“Hm, weird.”

“I just feel so stupid for getting emotionally involved that quickly.” He lets his head fall back in exhaustion. It does feel good to get this off his chest. And Jonas didn’t even blink when he said he liked a guy. This could have gone way worse.

“Being emotionally involved isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I mean, you could try and talk to him about it. There might be an easy explanation for everything. Because I didn’t really take him for the kind of guy who leads other people on without actually liking them.”

“Hm.” Isak didn’t take him for that kind of guy either, but a week of being ghosted definitely made him question his judgement.

“Just ask him tonight.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Isak?”

“Hm?”

“I’m really glad you told me.”

“Me too.”

He really is. He goes back to the bus feeling a ton lighter than before. And maybe there is an easy explanation for all of it.

 

\----

 

 

They are leaving the E16 towards Bergen when Isak’s phone vibrates in his pocket.

_Oh my god, Isak, I only just got your text._

_I was off the grid all week. Literally no cell reception until just now. I’ve been wanting to text you all week._

_Would have loved to hang out. <3_

_I’ve just arrived at our guest family’s house. You’re gonna love it._

_When will you be here?_

Isak lets his head fall against the window of the van as a giant load of tension falls off his shoulders in relief. He clutches his phone a little tighter and reads the texts again. This time he can’t help but smile.

 _Leaving E16 now. If they drop me off first, I’ll be there in 15. If they drop me off last, who knows? You know the game. :) C U_   _then_ , he texts back.

Jonas perks up his chin towards him a bit, as if to ask “Is that him?”

Isak tilts his phone a little, so Jonas can read the text himself, and gives him a pressed smile. Jonas smiles back, wearing a look that says “See? Everything is alright.”

 

 

 

 

Isak is nervous as he climbs the steps to the front door of his guest family’s house. How is he supposed to greet Even? A bro-handshake? A hug? And even though Even had a good explanation for not replying, he’s still uncertain about what exactly is going on between them. Or if there is anything going on at all.

He lets his bag drop to the ground and reaches for the doorbell. The sign says: _“Here live Berit and Per Bech N_ _æ_ _sheim.”_ That can’t be a coincidence.

 

Even opens the door with an exuberant smile. “Welcome,” he sings.

Isak can’t help but laugh. Even looks like a child on Christmas day. He’s wearing pajamas and has wet hair, as if he’s just come out of the shower. He’s basically glowing.

He steps toward Isak and wraps him in a tight hug. So that settles the greeting.

The PJs are fluffy and soft and smell of Even. So much for not wanting to be too emotionally involved.

Isak doesn’t even realize he has his eyes closed until he opens them and sees an elderly couple standing right behind Even, giving him a fond smile.

He peels himself off of the older boy awkwardly and stretches out his hand to greet the both of them.

“Oh, right,” Even laughs, “Isak, meet my grandparents.”

That explains the door sign.

 

They greet each other and then leave his stuff in the hallway to retreat to the dinner table.

Even’s grandparents are incredibly nice and forthcoming. Turns out, Berit is the Senior Pastor of the Church next door, which they will also be playing at tomorrow. She has all kinds of stories to tell. Of the church, of Even as a child, of Even’s parents. Isak has trouble following the gist at times. Per just sits there and nods occasionally. They’re an entertaining couple, that’s for sure.

“So, Isak, tell us about yourself a bit,” Berit suddenly says, interrupting her constant stream of stories.

“Uhm,” Isak makes, trying to chew up quicker so he can talk. “What would you like to know? I’m twenty years old, I study Biochemistry at UiO in my first year, I play the electric guitar…”

“Biochemistry!” Berit exclaims. “That is so interesting. Per used to be a Biology professor, weren’t you, Per?”

“Hm,” Per makes.

“And Even’s mum was thinking about studying something like that as well, before Even came along and then she just fell in love with this little monkey and decided to become a kindergarten teacher. I’ve never been one for Maths and that, always been more of a reader and philosopher, haven’t I, Per?”

Per nods.

“Just like Even,” she adds, squishing Even’s face with her thumb fondly. “Even when he was young he was already making up stories and drawing and making music. Some things don’t change, do they?”

Even squints a little and gives her a fond smile. It’s really cute.

Even’s grandma is a handful. So much energy, but also incredibly loving and knowledgeable. Isak has no trouble feeling at home in this house.

Per doesn’t give away too much of himself but he shares Even’s fond smile, so he can’t be that bad, Isak thinks. He’s just got a warm quality about him.

The conversation goes on like that until it’s almost midnight and the couple leave them to get sorted for the night.

 

 

Isak looks around in the living room. The walls are crammed with pictures. Here and there he finds Even, sometimes alone, sometimes in family photos. In between, there are quite a few cartoon drawings that say “E” plus a date in the corner.

“Did you draw these?”

“Hm-hm. Some are quite old, though. Do you like them?”

“Yeah, they’re really good.”

 

“Come on, I wanna show you something.”

Even grabs a keychain from the counter and heads to the back door. Isak follows him confusedly.

They walk through the dark backyard in silence towards the huge stone church.

 

The interior is gorgeous. The moon shines through the color-tinted leadlights onto the white walls, the benches, and the marble floor, turning the entire church into a gigantic kaleidoscope.

Isak lets his eyes wander over the wooden benches and soaks up the atmosphere. It’s completely silent apart from their own breath and steps, which echo beautifully in the room.

“This is so amazing,” Isak finally whispers, not daring to disrupt the calm.

“I know, right?” Even is standing right next to him now. Isak can feel their arms almost touching, arm-hairs just brushing against each other slightly.

“You know, I was kind of worried when you didn’t text me back all week.”

“Worried about me?”

“I don’t know, mostly worried that you found me annoying or something.”

“Annoying? Isak!” Even huffs out a small laugh and turns his body towards him and puts his hand on his shoulder, shaking him slightly. “You are not annoying! I wanted to text you all week. I promise.”

Isak turns to Even, too, now, finally daring to look into his face. “Where were you anyways?”

“We are shooting a short film in a nature reserve about three hours from here. Next week as well. And there is literally no reception anywhere. Middle of the woods, living in tents, no running water, you get the picture. My buddy Mikael’s idea. Could have done that somewhere else, if you ask me, but I’m just the camera guy.”

“So, I’m not annoying.”

“Definitely not annoying.”

Even’s hand is still on Isak’s shoulder, just now he’s started to gently move his thumb reassuringly, almost like he’s massaging him a little, while not taking his eyes off him for a second. A patch of red light stretches across his forehead and a blue one right over his fond smile. There is no way this is all in Isak’s head.

Isak grins and pouts his lips a little. Even is now definitely staring at his lips. He reaches out his hand for Even’s arm and takes a step toward the older boy.

“I’m really glad I’m not annoying,” he says with all the confidence he can muster.

“The exact opposite, actually. I really missed you.” Even takes a step forward too and lets their foreheads touch. Isak doesn’t know where to look, so he closes his eyes as he feels Even bring his hand up to his head, digging his long fingers into his curls.

It’s unusual for Isak to feel that safe with someone being physically close, so he takes his time to drink the moment up.

When they finally connect their lips, it’s slow and soft, almost as if they were afraid of missing a fragment of a feeling. Isak reaches out for Even’s body with his hands and finds him to be as jittery as he feels himself. They melt into each other until everything around them disappears.

Just them, their hands, and their lips.

 

 

 

## Saturday, June 29th

When Isak opens his eyes on Saturday morning, he’s being peppered with kisses all over his face.

“Hngh, why are you so awake?”

Even drops down next to him with a big thump, propping his head up on his arm, beaming at him.

“Because I’ve already showered and got dressed and I’m gonna head over to the church in a minute.”

“Huh? What time is it?”

“8:30.”

“What? We’re not meeting until 11, what are you on about?”

His mind is still trying to process the situation. Even is lying in front of him, fully dressed, on the king-sized guest bed they shared last night. Slowly, things come back to him. They made out. In the church. And in bed. For hours. Right. This is actually happening.

His stomach starts feeling tingly and happy at the thought. And now, Even is back to kissing his face and being the most domestic boy… wait, what are they?

“The thing is,” Even says between kisses—he’s now on top of Isak, straddling him between his legs—, “did you hear how incredibly echo-y the church is? The sound-check is gonna take ages, especially the drums, you’re all gonna get headaches. And we don’t have a built-in truss for lighting, like we had in the other locations. So the twins and I meet up at 9 to set up a truss and floor lights before you guys come in. Lighting in general’s gonna be difficult too, because it’s still bright outside when the concert begins and the church has so many leadlights, so we might hang up fabric in front of some of them. It’s gonna be a mess.”

Isak gives him an impressed look. “That sounds like a lot of work.”

“Sorry I woke you,” Even adds sheepishly, still sitting on top of him, now gently stroking Isak’s hair off his forehead, “but I just needed to spend some time alone with you before all the hassle starts.”

“I like that,” Isak grins, opening his arms, “come here.”

Even drops down onto Isak, burying his face in his neck, and it feels heavenly. Isak lets his hand wander on Even’s back and breathes in the scent of his freshly washed hair.

“Can’t you just stay here? You’re like the most comfortable person ever. And I really don’t want to share you with other people.”

“We have like ten more minutes. And tonight we can fall asleep cuddling again.”

Even’s words fill Isak with warmth. He can’t remember ever having been that giddy and happy. He kisses his hair and cheeks and works his way down to his lips, which is not easy, since Even is still buried in his neck, but he gets the hint and tilts his head up and presses his lips into Isak’s softly. They bury themselves into each other until they’re both on their sides, tongues twisting against each other, hands pulling each other’s clothes.

“I could get used to this,” Isak whispers, as he gets up for air.

“Yeah?” Even says with a grin. His eyes crinkle in the corners. He looks genuinely happy.

“Hm-hm.”

“Me too.”

Isak looks at Even in fascination. It’s like he’s living in a dream world that he can’t wake up from. Because this is real. He’s making out with a guy in a bed. And that guy is Even Bech Næsheim, the insanely attractive sound-technician of their band. What a thing to wake up to.

“Also, I need to know how you want to, you know, do this today. Like, do you want to be an official thing, or do you want us to keep it for ourselves for a bit? I don’t know if I can touch you in front of the others.”

Isak presses his lips together. He hasn’t really thought about it that much. But he still isn’t out to anyone, except Even and Jonas.

“Hm,” he hums, “I think I want to come out to my family and a few friends first, before they find out like this. I mean, Jonas already knows, but he’s the only one so far. At least my mom and my best friends should hear it from me first. Is that okay?”

“That is definitely okay. Take your time.”

“I still want to be kind of official though, like, I don’t know…”

Even’s eyebrows shoot up suggestively. “Isak Valtersen, are you asking me to be your boyfriend?”

Isak blushes. “I don’t know, I guess? I mean, am I reading you wrong?”

“You’re not reading me wrong. I definitely want to be you boyfriend.” Even is wearing his iconic, adorable fond grin again. Isak can’t help but kiss him again. Even reciprocates, but this time it’s soft and slow, like they have all the time in the world.

 

“Okay, I’ve really got to go now. I will see you in two hours.” Even straightens up in the bed and then gives Isak a last peck on the forehead before he leaves the room saying, “You’re damn hot, Isak!”

Isak lets his head fall back against the pillow. Having a boyfriend is so much better than he’s ever imagined.

 

 

 

\-----

_Du får meg til å kjøre meg opp,_  
_Det e ingenting som kan kjøre meg ned._  
_Du får alt til å sprenge i kok,_  
_D e ingen andre eg heller gjør det her med._

 

When Isak comes into the church at 10:30—still too early but he couldn’t help himself—Gabrielle is blasting over the PA. 

“What the heck is this?” he shouts at Even over the music.

“Gabrielle,” Even shouts back with a grin.

“I can hear that. But why?”

“Don’t you like it?”

“Do you?”

“Yeah!”

He looks around for anybody who could see them. Nobody is here.

“I take back everything I said this morning.”

Even mimics someone being stabbed in the chest. Isak can’t help but laugh at that.

The music fades out.

“Seriously, do you listen to Gabrielle?”

Even gives him his best offended look. “First of all, Gabrielle is a queen. Second of all, yes. But, the reason I just played it is that I’m testing the response of the room to the different frequencies the PA gives out. Just a minute ago I blasted NAS on full volume. You might have liked that better.”

“NAS? In a church?”

“Yeah. Why not?”

“I don’t know. Swear words and such?”

“Oh come on, where are we? America?” Even’s laugh is the cutest thing Isak has ever seen. He could look at him laugh all day.

“Okay, I’ll give you that. You’re still a weirdo for listening to Gabrielle.”

“Whatever, you snob, you better get used to it, because you’re not gonna get rid of me that easily.” Even gives him his biggest grin and sticks his tongue out.

He reaches over to his desk. “Here is your body-pack. Don’t forget to turn it off after sound-check.” He hands him the body-pack and lets his hands rest in his for a little longer than necessary.

“I will.” Isak looks up at him and gulps. He really wants to kiss him, but he can already hear the twins talking in the gallery. Time to let go of Even’s hands.

“Even, can you flick the fuse for up here? I think we’re ready,” Kasper shouts from above.

“Yep! One sec.” Even gives Isak an intense look and then turns back into his concentrated mode and their moment is gone.

 

 

\------

 

 

Being around the others isn’t that bad. They have tons of fun with the band. Isak makes up stupid dances with Eva and Chris during the half-hour sound-check for the drums and catches Even staring a few times.

They have lunch together with Even’s grandparents, which is the best meal all of them have had in ages. Berit entertains everyone with her stories while Per makes sure they all eat enough, giving out seconds and thirds without being asked.

And the gig goes fantastic. The church is full to the rim and things run smoothly.

It’s quite remarkable how much better all of this feels when he gets enough sleep and doesn’t spend all his time overthinking, Isak thinks.

 

 

 

 

\--------

 

 

 

The rest of the band have left by now and Isak is standing in the parking lot where Even is locking the trailer. The sun has almost set and the yellow of the bus and the trailer shines almost golden.

Even steps down from the treadle and wraps him in a strong bear hug. “Ugh, I’ve missed this.”

“Me too.” He really has. Resisting his urge to go over to Even and hug and kiss him definitely has been a challenge today.  

“Do you want to see something cool?”

“Depends on how much effort I have to put in.”

“Not too much. It’s worth it, come on.” Even grabs Isak’s hand and leads him back to the church, but instead of going back into the sanctuary they turn left in the entrance and go upstairs. The older boy leads him over the gallery, not letting go of his hand, fingers interlaced, to a small door that leads to a spiral staircase. They walk up the tower in silence and, finally, step out into the fresh air.

It’s magical. The sun is still half visible over the horizon and the view over Bergen and the sea is fantastic. The air is cool, but not cold. The perfect summer night.

Isak walks towards the balustrade as Even comes up behind him and wraps his arms around him, resting his chin on his shoulder. “I told you it would be worth it.”

“Wow.”

“I know right? I go up here every time I visit my grandparents. It’s a great place to go if you need to clear your head.”

“I love it. I’m kinda sad we’re leaving tomorrow.”

“We can come back any time and visit my grandparents. I think they like you already.”

“I’d like that.”

They stand there in silence, enjoying each other’s closeness and the tingling of their touches, watching the sun slowly disappear.

“I can’t believe I won’t be able to talk to you for another week again,” Isak says after a while.

“I know. I’m sorry. But we still have tonight and tomorrow morning.”

“That we do.”

 

 

## Sunday, June 30th

They wake up entangled in one another when Isak’s alarm clock goes off. They let it go back to snooze a few times, not wanting to let go of the other for even a second, but in the end it becomes obnoxious and Isak turns around to find his phone.

“When are you leaving?” Even mumbles.

“In an hour.”

“Ugh, that’s so little time.”

“I know,” Isak groans, “and I still have to shower and have breakfast.”

Even breathes in heavily and rubs his face with his hands. “Okay, we can do this. It’s only five days.”

“Aw, don’t remind me.” Isak crawls back into Even’s side and hides his face in his boyfriend’s t-shirt.

Even wraps his arm around him and peppers his hair with small kisses. “Sorry, Is… Okay, how about this: You go take a shower and I go downstairs and find us some breakfast?”

“You’re already the best boyfriend I could ever imagine.”

He looks up at Even’s blushing face. It’s so strange to believe that he, Isak Valtersen, can make him, Even Bech Næsheim, feel this way, that he can make this uber-confident, incredible-looking guy look so sheepish. He nudges his nose into his and gives him a small kiss on the lips. “We could also just make out for an hour.”

“Not acceptable. You’re spending 10 hours on the road today. I’m not handing you over to Chris unbathed and unfed.”

“Ugh, ok, you win.”

 

 

\-----

 

 

Apart from Even, there is no one in the house, when Isak comes downstairs. Berit and Per are probably in church, as it is Sunday morning and Berit is the pastor.

Even has prepared the most elaborate breakfast Isak has had in ages. He wonders what Per will think when he finds out that Even has basically used up the entire fridge and made a mess of his kitchen, but he’s his grandson, so it’s probably going to be fine.

They joke around almost the entire time they eat, and when Even starts flicking raisins at Isak with a spoon, he jumps up and chases him through the living room until he pins him down on the couch where they end up making out until the doorbell rings.

“Don’t worry, I’ll clean the kitchen. Get your stuff.”

 

 

 

When Isak sits down in the bus, his phone vibrates in his pocket.

_We can still text, until I leave tomorrow morning._

_PS: I swapped your hoodie with mine, so I can pretend you’re in the tent with me. Miss you already <3_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments make me really happy :)
> 
>  
> 
> Songs mentioned:  
> Gabrielle - 5 fine frøkner


	5. Trondheim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Norwegian Vicky Beechings, character development, and peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this one took a while. Thanks to @Hula_Fisch for making this happen <3

## Friday, July 5th

When Isak arrives in the church courtyard on Friday, he feels energetic and happy. Over the course of the week he came out to his mom, Mahdi and Magnus, and Sana and Noora. It wasn’t that surprising that his friends wouldn’t have a problem with it. His mom, however, he didn’t expect to take it so well. He had been preparing for and obsessing over his conversation with her for days and, in the end, she had been so loving and gentle with him that it made him cry.

It’s been a good week. Except for not seeing Even that is. He’s been counting down the days, and now he’s down to counting down hours. Depending on traffic and breaks, it will be something between seven and ten. The bubbling nervousness in his stomach is almost starting to hurt at this point.

 

“What’s got you so excited today?” Eva asks as he turns the corner.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on. I haven’t seen you that energetic in weeks. Also, it’s early. What happened to night-owl-Isak?”

“I don’t know. Looking forward to Trondheim I guess,” he grins.

“Right, Trondheim.”

 

 

 

\------

 

 

 

After driving for a few hours they make a pit stop somewhere in the middle of nowhere. They end up sitting in a quiet corner of an American diner style restaurant eating burgers. The overall mood in the group has shifted a bit over the last few weeks. It’s noticeable that they have been traveling a lot. Everyone is more comfortable with each other, but at the same time they are a little more tired and have fallen into a routine that doesn’t necessarily involve constant talking over each other anymore.

“So, Isak!” Chris finally breaks the silence. “Interim evaluation. How’s your first tour been so far?”

“Huh? Why do I have to give the interim evaluation? I have nothing to compare it to,” he mumbles with his mouth half full.

“Because you’re the band baby,” Eva says. “It’s your first time and we want to know whether we parented you right.”

“Ha ha, very funny,” Isak rolls his eyes.

“No, seriously,” Chris now retreats, “I was a bit worried in the beginning, because you looked so tired all the time, but now you seem kinda fine, so I guess you’ve adjusted to sleeping in guest beds by now?”

He lets his eyes wander over the group and looks into knowing eyes. “So, you all noticed?” he blushes.

“Yeah, kinda,” Kasper says, “but you seemed as if you didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Huh, okay. Well, the sleeping had nothing to do with guest beds. I had to work through some stuff.”

“Do you want to talk about it now?” Chris asks.

“Well, it’s probably better for you to hear it from me rather than through the church rumor mill.”

Isak swallows thickly. This is nerve-wrecking every time. Shyly he looks over to Jonas who gives him a reassuring nod. All right. Here we go.

“So, the thing is, I’m gay.”

He presses his lips together and looks around sheepishly. Everyone is still smiling at him.

“I guess, I had to work out how to be fine with it and whether I’m brave enough to tell people in church or something.”

“And are you?” Chris asks with a smile.

“Yes. I mean, I think so.”

“I’m really glad to hear that, Isak. You can be really proud of yourself. And thanks for telling us—isn’t always easy when you spend as much time with conservative Christians as we do.”

“I’m very happy for you, Issy,” Eva smiles. “And it’s crazy brave of you to talk about it openly. It’s so important that we fight for acceptance. I mean, there will definitely be people who say stupid things and spread hate and such, but we will never get anywhere if nobody speaks up.”

“There’s probably people who’ve stopped liking Wireless because of the pride shirts I keep wearing on stage, but I will gladly accept that if I can bring about some change,” Chris adds.

“Like a Norwegian Vicky Beeching,” Vilde says.

“Isn’t Vicky Beeching the British Christian singer who basically lost her entire career after coming out?” Lucas asks, stretching his face into an awkward grimace.

“Not the most encouraging example, Vilde,” Jonas groans. “Also, we’re not famous enough for that.”

“True,” Chris laughs, “but at the same time she started an incredibly important conversation and things have started to change since it happened. That woman is one of the strongest and most important people in Christian pop-culture if you ask me, so I’d definitely be honored to be a Norwegian Vicky Beeching, but Jonas is right, we’re not famous and influential enough.”

“Also, if anyone ever uses their faith to justify their homophobia, throw her book into their face because that thing is life-changing,” Casper exclaims.

“Okay, anyways,” Jonas laughs, “Issy, we’re proud of you, we love you, and we support you, no matter how open or not open you wanna be about this.”

“Yes, we love gays,” Vilde blurts out.

Isak chuckles. “Thanks guys. I guess, I don’t know how open I’m going to be right away, but I’m actually seeing someone, so if that works out I don’t know how long I wanna keep it under wraps.”

“Ooooh, now it’s getting interesting, guys,” Simon calls out.

Tobias starts drumming on the table with his fingers. “Tell us, tell us.”

Isak looks around and can’t help but laugh at the excitement in everyone’s faces. “You guys are ridiculous! But I’m not going to tell you yet. You’ll find out soon enough, I promise.”

“Way to let us down,” Vilde pouts.

“I wouldn’t tell you who I was dating right away either,” Chris comes to Isak’s defense.

“Oh, we have a hunch, Chris, don’t worry,” Lucas laughs.

“We do?” Isak asks looking around. “Am I the only one who doesn’t?” Everyone looks really amused. Casper is burying his face in his hands.

“Oh my goodness, Issy, you must have really been in your own head. They’re so obvious,” Lucas grins.

“Jeez, you guys are like vultures,” Chris interrupts the overall amusement. “We’re not gonna talk about this now. Come on, let’s get back on the road.”

 

 

 

\--------- 

 

 

 

 

_Hey Even <3_

_Are you in Trondheim already?_

_We’ll be arriving in 20_

_So excited to see you :)_

 

 

\-------

 

 

 

Isak enters the guest room and lets his stuff fall on the ground with a loud plonk. He takes his phone out and checks the lock screen. No word from Even. Probably still driving.

He leans back against the head board of the bed and closes his eyes.

 

The next time he opens them he hears the shower in the guest bathroom running. Did someone from his guest family go through his room while he was sleeping to use the shower? He reaches into his pockets to check his phone. It’s almost midnight. He must have slept for a solid two hours. Maybe he should put on his pajamas before he falls asleep again.

He shuffles over to the side of the bed to reach his bag. Just as he is about to pull the zipper, he hears the click of the door unlocking behind him.

“Halla,” a very familiar voice says.

Isak turns around and looks into tired eyes. It’s like looking at an entirely different person. Even must have had an insanely stressful week.

Nevertheless, Isak can’t stop himself from smiling. He gets up to hug Even and presses his face into his collarbone. His skin smells of shower gel and warmth. He can feel Even sink into the hug as well. It feels like coming home.

“I missed you so much, you have no idea,” the older boy says.

“I missed you, too,” Isak replies. “What happened, though? You look really drained.”

Even disentangles himself from the hug and sits down on the edge of the bed. “Maybe we should sit down for this.”

“Okay…”

“The thing is, there’s something you don’t know about me. And I totally understand if that throws you off, or if you need to think about it, okay?”

“Uhm, okay.”

It’s quite painful to see Even hesitate like that. It seems like he’s genuinely worried that Isak might reject him after whatever it is he wants to tell him.

“How much do you know about mental disorders?” Even now says.

“Oh… Uhm, quite a bit actually.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, my mom has some stuff.”

“Hm. Do you know what bipolar disorder is?”

“Some basics. Why?”

“Well… I have that.”

Did he really think Isak would reject him for being mentally ill? The weight of Even’s worries hit him like a truck.

“Even, listen,” Isak says, putting his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulder, “there’s no way something like that is going to throw me off. I care about you, okay?”

Even shoulders fall down at the relief of the tension he’s been carrying. He leans into Isak’s hug and rests his forehead against the side of his face. “I really don’t deserve you, Is.”

“That’s some horrendous bullshit,” Isak chuckles.

“Since when do you swear?”

“This really handsome guy told me it was fine last week, so I thought I’d try it.”

“See? I’m a bad influence already.”

“Nah, you’re the best thing that has happened to me in a while, and I’m not gonna let you talk yourself down like that, sorry.”

“You think way too highly of me.”

“Hey, you’re the one who keeps telling me not to talk down compliments, so take it.”

“I don’t know what to answer to that,” Even now grins.

“Then don’t answer and just kiss me.”

“That I know how to do.”

 

 

## Saturday, July 6th

When Isak’s alarm goes off in the morning, Even is still asleep. They talked for hours last night, lying in bed entangled with each other. Even told him about how over the course of the week he had become cocky and almost stopped taking his meds and that only because of his friends checking on him and insisting on him taking his pills he had remained somewhat stable.

Isak in return told Even about his mom’s religious delusions that came with her schizophrenia in the past and how glad he was that she was doing better now.

Their souls shifted miles closer to each other last night as they were breathing into each other’s skin pouring their hearts out into the quiet night.

 

“Hey baby,” Isak whispers.

“Hm.”

“Do you want to stay in bed today?”

“I think so.”

“Okay.” Isak bends down to kiss his temples and pulls his duvet up. “What do you want me to tell the others?”

“They know everything. You can just tell them I’m down and need to sleep through the day.”

“Okay. See you tonight.”

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

_Peace be still_  
_Say the word and I will_  
_Set my feet upon the sea_  
_Till I'm dancing in the deep_

  
_Peace be still_  
_You are here so it is well_  
_Even when my eyes can't see_  
_I will trust the voice that speaks_

_Peace, peace over me_

As Chris sings the last song of the evening, Isak lets his head fall back and closes his eyes. He has played the song at least a hundred times, so his fingers know what to do. The interlude comes up, so he starts improvising a bit letting his fingertips glide over the riffs as he thinks of Even. How he is probably wrapped up in his duvet in bed trying to sleep away the darkness.

Isak wishes he could be with him right now and wait together for that peace the song speaks about. He knows from his mom how hard it can be to find peace during a depressive episode. So he sings along to the song as a prayer for Even.

 

_I'm not gonna be afraid_  
_'Cause these waves are only waves_  
_I'm not gonna be afraid_  
_I'm not gonna be afraid_

  
_I'm not gonna fear the storm_  
_You are greater than it's roar_  
_I'm not gonna fear the storm_  
_I'm not gonna fear at all_

_Peace be still_  
_Say the word and I will_  
_Set my feet upon the sea_  
_Till I'm dancing in the deep_

  
_Peace be still_  
_You are here so it is well_  
_Even when my eyes can't see_  
_I will trust the voice that speaks_  
_Peace, peace over me_

 

 

 

\----

 

 

 

“Halla.”

Isak turns around at the sounds of Even’s voice. He drops the cable he’s just been rolling up to the ground.

“What are you doing here? I thought you were in bed.”

Even is standing directly next to him half behind the stage curtain with a shy grin. “I wanted to hear you play.” He looks around at the others who are busy packing up their stuff and rolling up cables. No one seems to have noticed their third sound technician standing in the corner of their stage yet. “Can I hug you? I mean, I can wait until later.”

Isak steps toward the older boy and wraps him in a tight hug. “Of course we can hug. Sorry, I’m sweaty, though.”

“I like you even when you’re sweaty,” Even grins into his shoulder. “But if you don’t wanna raise suspicion, you might have to let go at some point.”

“I don’t care. I’ve missed you,” Isak says.

He lets go anyways, because talking in a hug is difficult. “How long have you been here? And where?”

“I was in the gallery. It was closed so nobody was there, but they let me up there because they knew I was part of the band from last year. I just lay on the ground the entire time staring at the ceiling and let myself enjoy the music.”

“Ah, that’s why I didn’t see you.”

“Yep,” Even makes with a cheeky grin, “sometimes I do that when I’m not feeling well. Somehow, that’s really peaceful, just soaking up other people’s worship.”

“So my prayer was heard,” Isak replies with a grin.

Even looks confused. “You prayed that I’d be lying in the gallery?”

“No, I prayed that you’d find a moment of peace.”

 

Isak didn’t even realize how close they were standing until Eva interrupted them.

“Hi, Even! You are here.”

“I am,” Even says beaming at her.

“Did you come just now or have you seen the concert?”

“I have heard the concert from the gallery.”

Eva looks genuinely pleased and lets her eyes go back and forth between the two of them.

“Did you hear that amazing solo Isak played in the last song, Even?”

“I did. He’s such a pro,” Even answers with a grin at Isak and pokes his arm with his finger.

Isak throws his head back. “You’re just saying that because she asked.”

“Hey, stop assuming things. You were good, just take it.” Even just looks so cute and genuine that Isak can’t help himself but to poke Even back. Especially because having to persuade the other to take a compliment to heart has become some sort of inside joke between them at this point.

So what if Eva notices their heart eyes? She’s gonna find out sooner or later anyways.

“Hey Isak, isn’t this your jack cable? Why is it next to my effect board? I don’t wanna accidentally steal your stuff!” Lucas yells from the other side of the stage.

“Whoops, gotta go,” Isak excuses himself with a grimace. “If I were you, I’d run before they see you here and expect you to help.”

“Yeah, I might do that,” Even replies with a smile. “See you tonight.”

“See you tonight.”

 

 

 

 

## Sunday, July 7th

**_Isak:_ ** _Hey peeps, Even asked me if I could go back to Oslo with him, because he needs to bring his parents’ car back and he’s too tired to drive the entire trip on his own._

_So you don’t need to pick me up._

**_Chris:_ ** _Really kind of you to help him, Isak._

_Thanks for letting us know._

_See you Saturday!_

**_Eva:_ ** _ <3_

 **_Isak:_ ** _Takk. See you Saturday._

 

 

 

\-------

 

 

 

 

For most of the trip Isak drives while Even sleeps in the passenger seat. It’s really peaceful driving through the Norwegian countryside with no music and barely any conversation.

Isak wonders what the others might be doing in the tour bus. Probably joking around, singing loudly, or just sleeping like Even.

These past few weeks have probably been the most stressful Isak has ever been. And so much has changed. He’s reconciled himself with his sexuality, come out, and got a boyfriend, all while being on his first tour, playing in front of the largest audiences he’s ever played for, and juggling Uni on the side. He didn’t even realize how much pressure he’d put on himself before it all started.

At the same time, these few weeks have probably been the best he’s ever had, as well. Even though he is looking forward to having a weekend to himself soon, he is quite sad that next week he’ll play his last big concert for a bit. He’s going to miss the banter and the chaos and having so many people around him constantly.

Also, how are things with Even going to be when they arrive in Oslo? Will they be different?

 

Even rumbles from one side to the other and opens his eyes, as if he knew Isak was thinking about him.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Isak reaches over and ruffles through the tall boy’s hair. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yes, fantastic. How far are we from Oslo?”

“Maybe half an hour.”

“Hm.”

 

“Isak?”

“Hm?”

“Do you think, I could come to your place, after we get the car back? I don’t really wanna go to my flat just yet.”

“Absolutely.” Isak smiles to himself. It was probably completely unnecessary to worry about things being different.

“Do you want me to get you home first, so I can bring the car back by myself and come to yours after, or do you want to bring it back together?”

“I mean, the first version sounds kinda circuitous, doesn’t it?”

“It is. But the latter version involves running into my parents. I would totally understand if you didn’t want that yet.”

“Oh.” He hadn’t really thought about that.

“Yeah.”

“But I mean… I’ve met your grandparents already, so it would be fine, wouldn’t it?”

“For me it’s fine anyways. I just want you to be comfortable with the speed of things.”

“I think it’s gonna be fine.”

“I really don’t deserve you.”

“Stop saying self-deprecating stuff like that. I care about you. Just take it. We’ve been over this, don’t you think?”

“I guess we have. I care about you too.”

 

 

“Isak?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Everything.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me a comment and tell me what you think :)
> 
>  
> 
> Song mentioned:   
> Peace Be Still - The Belonging Co feat. Lauren Daigle


	6. +1 Oslo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hills and Valleys and fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is long overdue... Let's hope It's a worthy ending for the ups and downs I had with this :)

## Saturday, July 13th

 

 

On the day of the final concert, Isak wakes up early to Noora playing the guitar in the kitchen.

He fumbles for his phone.

8:34.

Way too early for someone to be playing the guitar on a Saturday morning.

The space in bed next to him, which Even has been occupying every night of the last week, is empty.

It’s also cold.

Isak tries to collect his thoughts. He’s never been someone to be on high alert right after waking up. Usually, he needs half an hour and a huge cup of coffee for that. But where is Even?

 

Apart from Isak attending his courses at Uni, they have spent almost the entire week with each other.

The first three days, Even spent almost exclusively sleeping. Isak worked on his papers and studied at his desk, checking on him every now and then, making meals for both of them in between. Sana and Noora even pitched in when Isak had to go out.

Over the last few days, Even has slowly started getting better. They went for a few walks, and yesterday they even went to Uni together.

 

It’s been a really good week. Slow and cozy. They’ve gotten used to each other in the best way possible.

 

Still, it’s quite surprising that Even seems to be up already. Maybe he also heard the guitar and decided to go to the kitchen and listen?

Maybe Isak should check if everything is okay.

Reluctantly, he gets up to make his way over. As he steps into the hallway, though, he suddenly recognizes the song. How does Noora know _Hills and Valleys_? That’s a pretty Christian song.

And then it clicks in Isak’s head: Even must be the one playing.

 

“Didn’t you tell me you didn’t play the guitar that often and weren’t really good at it either?” he asks, incredulous, as he turns the corner.

Even stops playing at once and stares at him. “Yeah, I mean, I’m not as good as Eva, by far.”

“Well, there’s a lot of room between ‘not good at it’ and ‘playing in a band with a record deal,’ Even. You really made it sound like you totally sucked when I asked you about the guitar in your room last week.”

At that, Even gives him a hearty laugh. “I might have downplayed it a bit.”

“A bit… right.”

“I even play at my church sometimes.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I mean, I was kinda scared that you’d want me to play for you last week. You’re so experienced, and I was depressed, I don’t know.”

“You’re unbelievable, Even,” Isak laughs at that. “Did you really think I would judge you? Oh my gosh, you’re so cute.”

Isak makes his way over to where his boyfriend is sitting and kisses him on his tousled hair, holding him tight.

It’s a pretty cozy scene. Both of them in hoodies and sweatpants, ruffled hair and tired faces.

“First of all, you’re pretty good, I recognized the song as soon as I left my room—just from the strumming pattern. You didn’t even have to sing for that. _Hills and Valleys_ , right?”

Even nods with a smile.

“Second of all, why are you up this early? Is everything okay?”

“Yes, I was gonna come to that,” Even now grins. “So, apparently, Eva has been throwing up all night or something, and Chris called me this morning to ask me whether I could fill in spontaneously.”

“What? Okay, if you’re Chris’ emergency guitarist, there’s no way you can be as bad as you say you are.”

“I’m not,” Even admits with a shrug, “but, I still need quite a bit of practice, which is the reason I’m playing your shitty acoustic in the kitchen at 8:30. I might need your help as well.”

Isak laughs at that. “You do realize that I have a way better acoustic in my room, right? You took the one that I bought for 2000 kroner when I was 13. I only put it on my wall for nostalgic reasons.”

Even’s eyes form little wrinkles at the side of his face. “You’re so cute, do you know that?”

“Shut up, I need coffee. But first, let me get you a proper instrument.”

 

 

 

\----

 

 

 

“Dude, nice of you to show up at our joined flat,” Mikael laughs when Isak and Even open Even’s apartment door. Even insisted on playing his own guitar—a sentiment Isak understands all too well. Also, he had been wearing the same clothes for three weeks now. Even with Isak washing them in between, he needed to sort through his stuff.

“Nice to see you too, Mik!” Even answers with a grin. The older boys greet each other with a hug. Mikael is exactly how Isak imagined him. Kind eyes, sarcastic, and a beaming smile.

It’s only then Mikael realizes Even isn’t alone.

“Oh my god, I’m so impolite, I’m so sorry. You must be Isak?” he stammers while holding his hand out to him. “Even, you could have warned me, I would have been nicer.”

“It’s alright,” Isak smiles as he shakes Mik’s hand. “I’ve only heard nice things about you.”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s a lie, but thanks. So, Even, you’ve got yourself a charmer.”

“Told you he’s awesome,” Even answers, shrugging.

“How much have you guys talked about me?” Isak chimes in.

“Oh my God, Isak, you have no idea,” Mikael exclaims. “He’s been going on about how cute you are since you joined the band last year, and then when the tour was announced, wow, you can’t imagine. I shared a tent with him when we were shooting in the woods for the project we just did and I offered him bribes to stop talking about you for a day, just so he’d shut up for once…”

“Okay, Mik, chill, I wasn’t that bad,” Even interrupts him. He’s gone completely red.

Isak just stands there speechless staring at his boyfriend. He didn’t even realize that Even had even noticed him back in the day. “I had no idea you even knew who I was.”

Even looks at him with a pouty cute smile as he gently grabs his cheek. “Of course I did, are you kidding? I almost lost my mind when you agreed to room with me. And when you came out to me… jeez, you have no idea, I could barely breathe.”

“Wow. You always seemed so composed.” Isak is in awe.

“Well, I wasn’t. I just didn’t want to scare you off.”

“Now I feel really shit about being so obvious all the time.”

“I like that about you. It’s pretty cute,” Even retaliates, shifting closer to him as he speaks.

And then Even’s lips are on his and Isak completely loses track of his surroundings.

“Okay, you guys are so in love it’s gross. I’m going to my room,” they hear Mikael say on the other side of their bubble.

They ignore him.

 

 

 

 

 

“Oh, I think I’m gonna wear my pan shirt today,” Even muses as he sorts through his clothes. “You’re gonna love it, it’s really comfy for cuddling.”

“Hm, I’d have to put it to the test,” Isak answers with a wink.

Even’s room is spacious with a high ceiling and a bunk bed. The walls are crammed with little doodles, pictures and posters. It suits Even really well.

“You will,” Even replies with a broad smile, “but not now, we have to be at church in half an hour. Oh wait,” he then gasps, “I’ve got the perfect shirt for you!”

He reaches into the stack in front of him and pulls out a white shirt, unfolds it and holds it up for Isak to see. It is plain white, imprinted with a rainbow pride flag underneath which it simply says “LOVED” in black bold letters.

“Aw, that is actually perfect. Very fitting.”

“Do you want to wear it tonight? I mean, no pressure. You might get some shit for it and I don’t want you to feel unsafe.”

“No, I mean, I think I want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Even looks at him for a while and then says: “I’m really proud of you, Isak.”

“Yeah, it’s been a journey.”

It really has been.

He thinks he is proud of himself, too.

 

 

 

 

\----

 

 

 

The first person they see when they walk into the Devotion Church sanctuary holding hands is Lucas. He stops walking, looks back and forth between the two of them and then yells “Tobias, you owe me 100 kroner!” across the room.

A second later, Lucas’ head appears between the stage curtains. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

It seems like the band had a hunch.

It turns out, half of the band kind of knew and the other half were either speculating or trying to stay out of it. But, all of them seem genuinely excited and happy for them, which definitely brightens up Isak’s day. Being able to share the feeling of being in love with another guy in a church setting is something Isak never thought he’d be able to do. Just the mere thought of holding hands with Even in front of everyone else would have wrecked him just a few weeks ago. So, this is just perfect now. This moment. He feels happier than he has felt in ages.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

After setting up, the band assemble in a small prayer room backstage. They have gotten pretty used to this tradition now. Before they even start to rehearse the first song, they take some time for themselves as a band to have a short devotional and talk about the plan for the night. It’s a great way to put some distance between oneself and the everyday hassle, which is a time Isak has come to appreciate greatly.

“So, today is a bit different,” Chris begins. “We are playing in a constellation we’ve never had before, which is why I’d like to keep this time a little shorter than usual, so we’ll have a little more time for rehearsal.

“As, you’ve probably noticed, Eva is not here, because she’s got food poisoning but if it’s some sort of flu, Jonas, and you pass that stuff on to us, I’ll make your life miserable.”

Jonas looks around awkwardly. “Don’t worry, we’ll be fine.”

“I’ll just choose to believe that for now,” Chris retaliates.

Isak knows immediately that Jonas is not being quite honest. He’s known him for way too long to not notice. He looks over at him suspiciously. The brown haired guy just shrugs apologetically and gives him a pressed smile.

“Well, anyways, Even will be filling in, so we’ve shifted a few songs around and changed the key in a few of them. I sent the list around, so please be careful to not be the person who messes it up, but we’ll be going through all of them later anyways, so we should be fine.

“The thing is, this is a home game. We’ve played here a hundred times, but let us not become lazy because of that. I want everyone who comes tonight to have an amazing time, just as much as in all the others cities.

“Also, we’ve put another song in. When I called Even this morning, he requested we play _Hills and Valleys_ , which I think is an amazing idea, although we haven’t played it in half a year. And I asked Even, if he could give us a few thoughts about that song as a devotional today.” She looks up and smiles at Even.

Even smiles back and begins to speak.

“Well, you guys all know about my disorder and how I experience highs and lows more strongly than the average person. Whenever I feel troubled about that, this song is a great reminder that, firstly, it is absolutely okay to experience highs and lows—nobody’s mood just works like a straight line in a diagram—and, secondly, I am not alone in all of that. I don’t have to face my highs and lows alone. I can be thankful in my highs for the happiness I feel, and in my lows I can find comfort in someone who knows me and loves me.”

Even pauses for a bit and then says: “I feel like the song speaks for itself in a way. So, I’d like to just read out part of the lyrics and then give you guys a bit of time to reflect your recent highs and lows.”

 

_I've walked among the shadows,_

_You wiped my tears away._

_And I've felt the pain of heartbreak,_

_I've seen the brighter days._

_And I've prayed prayers to heaven from my lowest place_

_And I have held the blessings_

_God, you give and take away._

_No matter what I have, Your grace is enough_

_No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love._

_I've watched my dreams get broken_

_In you I hope again!_

_No matter what,_

_I know I'm safe inside Your hand._

 

Isak closes his eyes and starts to think about the highs and lows of the last few weeks. How he couldn’t sleep for weeks on end. The toothpaste-fight with Even. Being conflicted about his sexuality. Having a positive coming-out experience. Being ghosted by Even. Falling in love.

It’s been so much that it’s hard to process it all, but he has come out of it as a better version of himself. Happier and more self-confident, so it was definitely worth it. All in all, he’s thankful for it.

 

 

 

After their meeting, Isak pulls Jonas to the side to catch him without the others.

“So, Eva is pregnant?” he grins at him with an amused voice.

Jonas’ eyes widen. “Dude, keep it down, you can’t tell anybody.”

“Chill, I can keep a secret. But I still want details.”

“You’re impossible. We’ve only known for a week. That’s way too early to tell anybody.”

“Yeah, okay, I get that. But, man, that’s so exciting, congrats.”

Isak pulls Jonas into a bone-crushing hug.

“Thanks, I guess? But I didn’t really do that much, and she’s got all the work, so… I don’t know, it wasn’t really planned, but now we’re really happy about it. It’s still so surreal. And nobody knows.”

“Come on, you’re gonna be an amazing dad. This is so crazy.” Isak is still dumbstruck.

“Jonas, Isak!!” they hear Simon yell from the stage. They are probably needed at the sound-check now.

“Okay, we’ll talk about this later, right?” Isak says with a wink.

“Right.”

 

 

 

\------

 

 

 

As Isak puts down his backpack and guitar case under Even’s bunkbed, he feels a little empty inside. The tour is over, there isn’t going to be a concert in a month. No more sound-checks with Even for a while, but also a lot less hassle and more time to focus on Uni and his relationship, so that’s a good thing, right?

He watches Even through the door as the older boy organizes his gear in the hallway. Even when he does the most profane things, he radiates a warm friendliness, a feeling of comfort and joy. Isak has no idea how he does it.

“How was the night for you?” Even asks as he stumbles into the room while toeing his shoes off.

“Oh yeah! Playing in a non-fatigued state of mind is such a bonus,” Isak grins. “Also we had this really hot guest guitarist tonight, that was kinda exciting.”

“Oh, I bet it was.”

“And it feels really good playing with everyone, while knowing I’m out and proud and I have nothing to worry about. It’s crazy how much has happened.”

“Hm, I can imagine. You looked really happy on stage today.”

“How was it for you?” Isak asks with a smile in his face.

“I had an amazing time,” Even grins back. “There was this really cute lead-singer…”

“Oh shut up!”

“You want me to shut up? Do you know how distracting you are? I played some horrendous shit there in between. Just because you look cute when you’re concentrated.”

“Okay, have you seen yourself behind the mixing desk with your tongue poking out?”

“Isak, this is getting ridiculous,” Even now laughs as he wraps Isak in a hug and connects their lips.

This, them moving their lips against each other, has become some sort of feeling like home for Isak. He lets himself relax into the hug and deepens the kiss until their tongues collide. It’s a lazy kiss, like they have all the time in the world.

Even pulls them apart a few inches and smiles at him with cute wrinkly eyes.

“You know what?”

“What?” Isak can’t help but smile back at him. He feels so content. So at peace with himself that it’s hard to even fathom.

“I love you.”

“Wow,” Isak whispers, “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:
> 
> Yes, I know, this is not how it goes in RL most of the time. I'm living proof for that. But there is hope, and I'm gonna keep fighting for us to get there. If you are experiencing situations where it doesn't go like this, feel free to talk to me on tumblr (chris-jordyn). I have gone through a lot of stuff with church and sexuality, and I'd love to be there for you if you need someone :)  
> You can also talk to me about everything else, I'd love to get to know you guys regardless of your experiences ;)
> 
>  
> 
> Also: leave me a comment or kudos, because those make me very happy :)
> 
>  
> 
> Songs mentioned:  
> Hills and Valleys - Tauren Wells


End file.
